Don't Close Your Heart
by Valoja
Summary: At the peak of the war against the Millennium Earl, a girl gets sent out to fight for her beliefs, but seeing the horrible acts called 'war' changes her for the worse and only one person can help her... OC x Kanda Yu. Title-song is by HIM, chapter-songs are by Kamelot.
1. Silverthorn

**Silverthorn**

I've been at the Black Order for as long as I can remember.

I might as well have been born here, though that can't be possible, because I don't know my parents. I could've been abandoned and found by an Exorcist on a mission, or something like that.

I don't know. Nobody ever told me, and I don't really need to know either. For me, having memories that don't include anything other than this dark and gloomy building is normal. I'd bash the face of anyone who dared to show pity against a wall. And that hurts.

I don't mind having lived here for all my life. The people here are my family.

Lenalee is my sister. Though Komui is her brother, he is kind of my father, mainly because of his somewhat fatherly love towards me, which (luckily) isn't half as much as his Lenalee-obsession, but enough for me.

Before I forget to mention my name, it is Mei. This name was given to me by Lenalee, who somehow managed to mistake me for her mother when I stayed by her side and held her hand the first few days in the Order. Komui seemed a bit reluctant to call me by his mother's name, but once he got to know me a bit more he told me that I was worth it.

Lavi is my brother and a good friend at the same time. He is the one who taught me how to write and read, actually. He once said that if I wasn't his little sister, 'he would've tried to flirt with me', to which I reacted by whacking him with a book – ironic isn't it?

There's also Reever and the others from the team; though my bond with Reever is the strongest. I don't know why, but it just clicked between us, ever since day number one. Maybe because he was the one who used to baby sit me most of the time and taught me how to speak other languages than English: French, German, Dutch, Finnish and a few more.

With all the chaos going on here, there isn't any time to wonder who my parents are, where they are, why I'm here and all the stuff like that.

Oh, right. And then there's Yu Kanda. I actually don't know what he is to me. He's just the guy you can be with, without being asked questions; at least if you aren't a certain bean sprout, who, by the way, is my other 'brother'. Kanda's also the guy you can tease and get your daily exercise with just by trying to get away alive.

Actually, the first memories I can remember involved Kanda. That was even before Lenalee was around.

Everyone had warned me not to get close to him, but like every normal kid, I had to do what I wasn't allowed and paid him a visit anyway.

The only difference between me and every other normal kid was probably that I kept doing it. Normally you'd get punished and realize the bad things you had done, though my stubborn and curious side forced me to keep doing it until I actually enjoyed visiting him.

My 'punishers' realized punishing me wasn't going to help, so they decided to allow it, hoping it wouldn't be interesting anymore. Not that it actually worked.

Hm, thinking about it like that, I could call him my brother. I'd love to see his reaction if I came running up to him yelling 'Nii-san!' like Lenalee does to Komui.

And anyway, I can't really miss my parents because I don't know what they're like. And as I always say, "You can't miss what you've never had!"

But maybe I'm just trying to put up the image of a girl who isn't troubled by anything… Because in reality, sometimes I actually do think about my parents.

I skipped down one of the many halls in the Black Order, on my way to the cafeteria where most of the other Exorcists were right now.

The place seemed to be even gloomier than normal because of all the uneasiness rolling off the people living here, but that wasn't exactly a surprise. The war against the Millennium Earl seemed to be at its peak right now and almost everyone here was frightened by the thought that they might be the next ones to get sent out to the battlefield.

Everyday, piles of reports came in to inform us of how many Finders had died. Fortunately, casualties of Exorcists seemed to be quite rare; but our numbers were dwindling nevertheless. Slowly but surely.

It seemed as if I was the only one left who could make a smile appear, as if I was being protected by some kind of bubble. After all, living here all my life had made me strong. Nobody would believe me if I told them I cried about everything when I was younger.

"Good morning!" I called as I barged into the cafeteria, receiving a few half-hearted 'hello's' back. Not letting it break my mood, I walked over to our table.

Allen was digging into his usual amount of food with Lenalee trying to get him to eat a little slower in fear of him choking. Lavi was snoring softly as he rested his head on top of his arms which he had crossed on the table, and Aleister was sitting at the corner of the table as still as possible, sweating nervously. Then there was Kanda, sitting at a different corner. He wasn't moving either, but it was obvious he was much more relaxed than the poor vampire.

I smiled at how everyone was acting like they always did during these dark times as I sat down in between Kanda and Lavi. The latter opened his uncovered eye and managed to greet me with a grin as he straightened himself. I knew that the only time he managed to have a proper sleep was when sitting at this table with his friends.

"Good morning," Lenalee smiled kindly at me and I returned the gesture. We called ourselves the 'Happy Team' because we both kept on smiling for the others, even if it was a forced smile. Plus, Komui would jump from the building if he went through a whole day without hearing his sister's laugh.

Allen noticed me too and said something that I couldn't understand since he was talking with his mouth full of food. I leaned towards Kanda to dodge the food that spewed out of Allen's mouth as he tried to say something to me and earned an irritated growl from the swordsman once my head touched his shoulder.

"G'morning to you, too," I practically sang, receiving a mutter as reply. I smiled at him and decided to stay in the same position, leaning against Kanda, happy that I got him to give a response at all.

I wasn't sure if he had finally accepted that my affection for him wasn't something he could dismiss by scowling or swearing at me, or if he was just too tired to do anything other than nothing, but he let me sit there as silence once more dominated the table.

The silence spread from our table to the rest of the room and I looked up to find out what had happened. Apparently I wasn't the only one, even Kanda opened his eyes to search the reason for the sudden quietness.

Reever and Komui stood in the doorway of the cafeteria, their faces all but cheerful and happy.

"We have gotten orders to send more people out to fight. The Grand Generals said they were going to end it with this, which is why the group we're going to send out this time is larger than the others," Komui started in a hesitant tone, motioning towards Reever to step forward and read the names on the list he was holding.

"Once your name has been called out, please make sure that you are ready to leave within the next thirty minutes," Reever stated as he looked down at his paper.

"First I'll call out all the Finders that have been chosen to assist the Exorcists on the battlefield. Anders, Andrea, Björn, Brian, Bruce, Carlo, Chrigel, Damien, Daniel, Dave, Fabio, Freddie, Ivo, Jani, Janne, Johan, Marko, Matthew, Mattia, Mikko, Oliver, Peter, Roberto, Roy, Sean, Simeon, Tommy, Tuomas and Ville."

All of a sudden, people started talking to each other again. Many were relieved that they had gotten lucky and weren't going to get sent to their deaths, as they presumed it would be. Others were saying their goodbyes to the unfortunate ones who had to leave.

The Exorcists, however, were still nervously waiting for their names. There was a chance that they all had to fight but maybe there was still hope for at least some of them.

"And now for the Exorcists…" the sound of people talking died down once more as if they were pitying those who could still get picked out.

"Allen Walker."

Said boy swallowed what was in his mouth in one go, almost choked, then turned to Lenalee to catch her consolation hug.

I watched as he gently pried her fingers from himself while whispering soothing words to her, fear whirling around inside of me. What if this was going to be the last time that I got to see my family together like this?

"Lavi."

"I guess it can't be helped…" he muttered, rubbing his head with a troubled expression on his face. Lenalee's attention quickly left Allen and she gave the Bookman a comforting hug as well. He laughed at her and playfully ruffled her hair.

What had I been expecting? All the other Exorcists were already out there, the only ones left were the ones in this group. Miranda, Bookman, Marie… Even all the Generals were out there fighting against the army of the Millennium Earl.

"Kanda Yu."

He merely grunted, probably in annoyance of not being able to eat his soba each day like he always did. Because Lenalee actually seemed a bit reluctant to give Kanda the same attention that she had given Allen and Lavi, I just patted him on his back.

Much to my surprise he didn't even try to swat my hand away like he _should _have and I wondered if even the almighty Kanda Yu was a teeny tiny bit scared.

"And…" Reever continued but he stopped for a moment and swallowed as he read the last name on the list, "Mei."

He looked up in my direction with an apologetic look in his eyes, as if it was his fault that I had to leave. I smiled at him to assure him that he wasn't to blame.

To be honest, I actually felt pretty relieved. I had been feeling guilty about safely sitting here while hundreds of others were out their, risking their lives for everybody else. Now I could join them in this battle.

"Poor Mei! How can they even think of sending someone as petite as you into such a fight?!" Lenalee protested as I got up to get ready for departure.

"Don't worry about me. I think you're going to have a hard time trying to cheer Aleister up," I said with a smile. The poor guy looked even gloomier than normal as he watched his friends practically leave him all by himself.

After Lenalee gave us permission to leave, we all went to our rooms to prepare ourselves for the upcoming days.


	2. Ashes To Ashes

**Ashes To Ashes**

"How long till we get there?" I wondered out loud, not really expecting anyone to answer.

My attempts of cheering the others up had died down hours ago, their reactions being almost non-existent. Allen was the only one who tried to go along with it for a while but after a while even he didn't feel like smiling.

We had been following this road for so long that I couldn't even remember our departure, even though we had left yesterday. Or had it been the day before?

I suddenly noticed a slight change in the surroundings and my palms started to sweat in fear. The birds weren't chirping in this area and the air almost smelled… burnt. Even the trees and the plants looked a bit dead. That could only mean that we were getting nearer and it was as if I was only just now realizing where we were heading towards.

A _war. _We were going to _war_.

Over the course of years, I had actually managed to forget about it. Exorcists were meant to be warriors, they were born to fight against the Millennium Earl. I had gotten careless and somehow managed to forget what the sole purpose of my life was.

To fight.

Without thinking, my hand found Kanda's and refused to let go. The man didn't even glance at me, but he didn't pull his hand back either.

For the first time in quite a while I managed to smile and strengthened my hold on his hand, afraid that he could get ripped away from me any moment.

The sound of an explosion boomed up ahead, making us stop is surprise.

"I guess that means it won't take long till we get there?" Allen concluded the obvious. Nobody dared to reply, too taken in by their fright of what was to come.

While squeezing Kanda's hand, I was the first to start moving again. The thought of wanting to get this over with as soon as possible was probably a rather optimistic one. The chance that none of us got out alive was pretty big, but that was something I didn't want to think about as I trudged on while tugging Kanda along with me.

He didn't say or do anything in protest and somewhere at the back of my fear-filled mind, I asked myself if maybe, just maybe, Kanda was scared too.

As images and thoughts flitted through my head, it seemed that only a few seconds passed until there was a drastic change in the environment. The trees and plants didn't just look kind of dead now, there were actually a few small fires scattered here and there.

Trees were lying on the floor, most of them nothing more than piles of ashes. The ground was dark and unlivable, smudges of charcoal everywhere.

I couldn't believe my eyes as I let them examine the sight before me. What used to be something like a lush forest now seemed like some barren place, nothing that could actually be called 'alive' nearby.

It pained my heart to see nature in such a state, but I knew that if I wanted to prevent any more of this damage, I'd have to step into the war that was raging on before us.

The group started moving on once more and as the fires at the sides of the road grew more frequent and fiercer, the sounds of a battle came nearer as well. Not much longer, houses came into sight as well. Most of them were burning too, some had even collapsed.

"Alright, I think we're here," Allen noted as he turned around to face us. I remembered that Komui had made him the leader of this mission, so I tried to swallow my fear away so that I could fully concentrate on what he was going to decide.

"I'm going to divide the Finders into four groups with one Exorcist on their team. Then we'll go in a bit further together but once I tell you to disperse, you should do so at once, understood?"

Everybody nodded in understanding and we all waited until he gave us the names of our teammates.

Because the group of Finders was uneven, Allen decided to give me, the girl, one extra group member. Normally I would have made some kind of remark of how he was underestimating me, but I decided to say nothing and just secretly be happy with the extra protection. That was a horrible thought because _I_, the Exorcist, was supposed to protect _them_.

He waved at us before running off to the center of the town so that he could get a more accurate picture of what was going on.

It surprised me to see that there were still so many people out here, fighting. I recognized a few Exorcists fighting amongst the Finders and for some reason that slightly calmed the harsh beat of my heart.

At the center of the town, Allen stopped and quickly took a look around, trying to let his surroundings sink in as he tried to think of a plan.

"Let's just go and scout the area, okay? Lavi, you go east. I'll go south. Kanda, you take the northern side and you, Mei, go check up on the west side. Afterwards, we'll meet back here. If you're not back within the hour, we'll continue without you. Understood?"

The four of us nodded before turning to their groups of Finders to get them ready for departure.

I watched the others run in the directions Allen had given them and just as I wanted to do the same, I reminded myself to activate my Innocence.

Unsheathing the two short swords I kept with me almost all the time, I held the tips together and whispered the magic word.

"Silence."

They immediately reacted, one glowing blue as the other shone red.

Turning to the Finders in my group, I noticed that they were all rather nervous so I tried my best to give them a smile as some sort of encouragement. One of them smiled back at me, Chrigel was his name, but the others didn't seem to bother.

Turning back to the path in front of us, I quickly started to run in the direction of the water Allen had told me about, looking over my shoulder every now and then to check if we had lost anyone.

Pain was all I felt as I sat down to rest, telling the others to do so too. Rolling up the sleeves of my uniform, I examined all the various cuts and bruises on my skin to make sure they weren't anything serious.

My group which had consisted of five Finders and myself had lost two members. As we were searching through burning houses for any survivors, one suddenly collapsed, crushing Björn. Luckily he died immediately and did not have to suffer any pain. We lost Anders at the same time. He got separated from us by the pieces of burning of wood that came crashing down.

I tried to keep cheering the others up, telling them that I wasn't going to lose any more of us. Chrigel was the only one who seemed to actually listen to my encouragements, a small smile always on his face.

Pressing my forefinger to my lips, I signaled to the others to quiet down as we rounded the corner of yet another building. I stopped in my tracks as I noticed a group of low level Akuma lurking nearby and held out my arm to stop them from coming any closer.

Because this wasn't the first time this was happening, the Finders immediately knew what they had to do. Stand back and if the need would arise, come into action immediately and try to capture the Akuma with a Round Shield Talisman, or in emergency cases, the Shield-type Talisman.

I ran out into the open, immediately attracting the attention of the group of Akuma. There were only four level one Akuma so a strategy wasn't needed.

After slamming my blue blade into the floor, a path of dangerously sharp ice crystals rose from the ground in the direction of the hideous foes.

The very moment the ice touched the first Akuma in its path, the monster froze and fell to the ground with a loud thud after which the encasement exploded. Pieces of metal and ice flew through the air, taking one of the others down too.

I held my arms in front of my body to protect myself, but as if by some miracle they all seemed to evade me. Smiling for just a split second, I thanked my Innocence before dashing in the direction of the last two enemies.

Stabbing one of them with my red sword, it spontaneously burst into flames. I ripped my weapon away from it and kept my distance as the metal containing the cursed soul melted away until there was nothing left.

Not watching all of this happen, I sliced the final Akuma in half before it could even move.

I sighed in relief as yet another battle ended without any casualties. While wondering where the others were and how they were coping with the situation, I took my surroundings in to make sure that there weren't any baddies left.

"All's clear!" I yelled at the Finders who quickly made their way towards me. They probably didn't feel very safe without an Exorcist nearby to protect them and I could fully understand that.

"W-what should we do now?" Tuomas asked me as he looked around, afraid that there might be danger lurking nearby. This was the first time I actually took the time to check up on the bodies of my teammates. Guilt washed over me as I realized how selfish I had been, only thinking about my own wounds when the others seemed to have many of their own. They were exhausted.

"We should find somewhere to rest. When I've made sure the area is clear, I'll go and contact the other Exorcists to report what we've found. Is that okay with you?" Everybody nodded in relief, happy to get at least a little bit of peace.

Motioning for them to follow me, I ran off in the direction of a small house that somehow had been spared from the flames burning around it. A perfect spot to set up camp.

I glanced around quickly, seeing that the coast was clear before walking through the doorway. With my swords at hand and the Finders covering my back, I entered each room to check if everything was clear. Much to my surprise, it seemed as if nothing had been touched by the war that was raging outside. The only disturbance that could be seen were chairs lying on the floor. They had probably been thrown over in the owners' haste to find safety.

"This is okay. While you try to block the windows and barricade all the doors except for one, I'll go and check outside if there are any Akuma nearby. Understood?" The only reply I got was a quick nod from everyone before some of them started moving the furniture around as the others laid out sleeping bags, trying to make the place as cozy as possible.

Once outside, I gave the area a quick scan before going around more thoroughly. I wasn't gifted with the talent of being able to sense Akuma, but I tried my best to find them that way anyway.

Not that it actually worked, though. About half an hour I found out that maybe I couldn't find them because there _weren't any_.

I stood in the middle of a field nearby the cottage, trying all sorts of things to attract attention, yet nothing came. I was unwilling to accept this as mere coincidence but because I couldn't find any other reason for it, I would have to just go along with this.

Chrigel was standing outside of the house and he waved at me. I returned the gesture and signaled that I was going to find the others. He gave me a thumbs up to show me understood it and went back inside to tell the others.

I was sure that, somehow, I had gotten lost. That wasn't so surprising, seeing as how I couldn't have paid much attention to where I was going as I was on the lookout for Akuma. My surroundings were unfamiliar and new – somehow everything seemed darker and more dangerous over here.

"Oi! What are you doing here?" my heart skipped a beat at hearing a familiar voice. Not just because it was any familiar voice, but because it was _his _voice.

urning around, I happily greeted Kanda with a smile. He seemed slightly taken aback by my cheerfulness but maybe I was just imagining things. Smoke could do weird things to your brain.

"Why are you here?" he asked and now it was my turn to look surprised. Why was he being like this? Was it forbidden for me to be here? He seemed to have left his Finders elsewhere too, so he couldn't be angry about that… And since when did Kanda care about Finders, anyway?

"I… I was just trying to find my way back, but I probably got lost," I offered him, trying to look as sad as possible to dodge his frustration.

He snorted, almost seeming amused. "Probably, yes."

I pouted at him as I turned my back towards him, crossing my arms dramatically.

Suddenly, a weird sensation filled me and something inside of me seemed to be warning me. Without thinking, I twirled and grabbed my sword. My brain still not knowing what it was doing, I flung it over Kanda's shoulder.

With wide eyes, I stared at the level one Akuma that had been floating quite a distance behind Kanda as it froze and exploded. Kanda himself looked pretty calm as he glanced over his shoulder.

"Took you long enough," he commented with that smirk of his that always made my face turn red. This time, however, my cheeks were deathly pale as that alerting feeling spread out within me until I realized that we had been surrounded.

A whole group of level one Akuma and a few level twos had gathered around us, slowly closing in on us.

"H-how…" I stammered as my body forced me to pull my sword back. Kanda was doing perfectly fine, standing there with Mugen in his hand, calm and steady like always.

He didn't wait for me as he began to charge towards them and by the time I had readied myself and realized he had been planning on doing this _by himself_, he had already gotten rid of a dozen Akuma.

I was tired, my body was aching and all I wanted was to return home, away from this horrible place. My mind was blank as I slashed away at the Akuma-mob, attack after attack, Akuma after Akuma, wound after wound. At one point, even the pain and draining stamina faded from me and I felt like a robot doing what I was programmed to do. In some way, that was all I really was, someone set on destroying Akuma with her Innocence. What a sad thought.

Every now and then I would glance at Kanda to make sure he was doing alright. He had sustained surprisingly little damage, something I was quite relieved about.

In that one moment, I realized that I'd take all the pain if it spared him of it.

And right there, with dirt and blood covering my face, my uniform torn at various points and even some of my hair cut off, I knew that somewhere along the way I had fallen in love with him. Maybe that had been when we had first met as small children, he that dangerous monster I had to stay away from and I that innocent girl who knew nothing about this world.

Or could it have been when he came back from a long mission, badly wounded and sick? He had almost died back then and I had stayed by his side until he had been strong enough to kick me out of his room all by himself.

What about that one time when we went out on a mission together, but got separated? I had managed to walk into a trap, a real hunter's trap for bears not an ambush, and had tried to free myself. I had almost ripped my leg off and if Kanda hadn't heard my screams of pain I probably wouldn't be here right now. He had to carry me all the way back to the Order, stopping frequently to check up on my leg. He had to do all this while trying to keep me conscious and he had been a stubborn bastard on letting me go to sleep.

A scream ripped both of us out of our killing spree-modus. Though Kanda was smart enough to finish what he had been doing, I decided to abandon my job and rush in the general direction of where the voice came from, ignoring him as he yelled my name. For a split second I contemplated on whether his voice was filled with anger or worry but I decided to let it go.

There were houses in this place and many of them were in flames, the smoke that filled the air almost choking me. I could barely see anything, but it was hard for me _not_ to notice the Akuma lurking nearby.

Noticing its form through the clouds, I readied myself to attack it, but just before I could do so it disappeared. The next thing I knew, an immense power hit me in my back, causing me to fly through the air and crash into the wall of one of the burning houses.

I tried to get up as quick as possible to brace myself for the next attack, but what I saw made me falter for a moment.

Floating in front of me wasn't a level one Akuma… Neither was it a level two.

It was a level _three._

I hadn't seen one like this before, only heard about them from Allen and the others from their missions. I hadn't even wanted to believe them… An Akuma that was able to challenge them? Something like that shouldn't be allowed to exist!

But with one of them right here where I could see it, there was no doubt that this was a level three, its power somehow visible even though it couldn't actually be seen.

And when it lifted its hand, not even caring that he was wide open and that I might be able to attack him, it was obvious that I could do nothing against this monster.

Apparently it should have cared more about its guard than its prey, for just as it was about to attack me once more, something that looked like a white ball jumped at it. They soared through the air together before they shot apart. I saw it was Allen together with Crown Clown.

I stood there, watching him clash against the Akuma with his sword, realizing that I was far weaker than those around me even though I had been around for so much longer. How could I have been so blind to not notice the difference in strength? Had I really been so naïve to believe that we could be equals on the battlefield?

Pushing the thoughts to the back of my mind, I looked around to see if I could find the survivor who might be in danger nearby. And indeed, not too far away, was a couple clinging to each other. They were standing in the doorway to a cottage that looked much like the one where I had left the Finders.

The woman was pregnant and from what I had learned from the few biology books Reever had had that were written simple enough for me to understand, she was probably almost ready to give birth. My stomach churned in fear as I watched the man stroke his wife's hair, kissing her forehead, talking to her while his own fear was obvious as well, though I did not know why.

I made movement to run in their direction, to get them away from here, to take them to my 'camp', but suddenly a loud explosion could be heard and Allen screamed by name. I turned around and noticed that Kanda had joined Allen in his battle against the level three, but both of them were staring at me as something whirred past me at high speed.

"No…" I whispered and spun around, sprinting in the direction of the lovers who could only stare in despair as their demise flew towards them, hoping that somehow… somehow I was able to save them.

_Crack_. The bubble that had been protecting me through the dark times at the Order was beginning to break, the pressure of the things I had seen too much to bear.

"RUN!" I screamed at them but they did not move. I reached out, I could almost touch them, when the bullet-like object hit the walls of the house, erupting as it made contact. Tears streamed down my face as I saw the couple get torn apart by the force of the explosion.

Half a second later I was thrown back too. The last things I witnessed of this war were the feeling of guilt crashing on top of me like a tsunami and the sound of glass shattering, the bubble gone for good.


	3. My Confession

**My Confession**

I shifted my body and groaned in pain before slowly opening my eyes. I carefully moved my head to look around and I saw that I was in my room at the Order. I was home.

Home.

That word used to have a feeling… Now it just seemed to be a word with a simple definition. Where were the emotions?

As if to answer the unasked question, images of the battle flitted through my mind and I grabbed the sheets I was lying on, clenching my fists as hard as I could in an attempt to force them away.

To distract myself, I tried to sit up tediously to keep the process as painless as possible. Lifting my arms, I noticed they were covered in bandages – just like my legs and torso, practically my whole body was covered in them. Under them were probably wounds from the explosion.

That made me wonder – how long ago had it all happened?

I slowly placed my feet on the ground, the coolness of it actually hurting them, but it seemed to have a soothing effect on the memories that continued to torment me inside of my head.

What had happened to the Akuma? The Finders who had been with me? Allen?_Kanda?_

I ignored the aching of my limbs as I pushed myself off the bed, giving myself a few seconds to regain my balance. Once I thought I wasn't going to topple over with any abrupt movement, I dared my legs to take me to my desk where a pile of clothes was waiting for me.

Taking only my cloak from the pile, I carefully slung it over my shoulders and closed two buttons to keep it together before leaving my room.

The hall outside was empty, just like always. Standing there, in front of my door, I didn't know what to do. Normally when I left my room, I would have a plan as to where I wanted to go but right now I didn't really know what I was supposed to do.

Maybe I should go see Komui and find out what exactly happened?

Nodding to myself, I decided to do just that and started to walk down the hall. I stopped at the sound footsteps behind me and turned around to see who it was.

"Mei?" Lenalee called out. She slowed down to a stop in front of me, smiling kindly.

"Are you alright? You've been out of it for about a week now," she told me. "Nii-san wants to see you, come with me please!"

Without waiting for my reaction, Lenalee grabbed my wrist and pulled me along.

Once we arrived, she had barely even finished knocking on the door to Komui's office when it was swung open and someone shot out, landing on top of me.

"MEEEEIIII!" the person wailed, and it took me a few seconds to recognize who it was.

"What's wrong, Komui?" I asked, looking at Lenalee to silently beg her to get him off. It worked and within the same minute everyone was standing once more, though Komui was still clinging to my arm.

"I was so worried! How could you do this to us?" he sniffed, looking up at me with the saddest expression I had ever seen on his face… Yet it didn't do anything to me. I didn't, no, I _couldn't _care. Why was that?

"You probably want to know what happened," Komui guessed, his mood doing a 180 as he went from _Komui_ to _Chief Officer Komui_.

I nodded while oblivious to Lenalee's suspicious stare as she looked me up and down, noticing something was amiss.

My mind was completely blank as Komui explained that after I had been knocked out by the explosion, the others had managed to take out the Akuma that were nearby. There had been six level three Akuma, about two dozen level twos and maybe thousands of level ones and every single one of them had been destroyed.

That bit of information pained me a bit. It meant my presence had done nothing to help finish the battle. I was going to need more training – a lot more training.

Out of my group, the three survivors were safe and sound, back with their friends at the Order. It seems Chrigel had even attempted to visit me a few times during the time that I was out.

"How did I get back here?" I asked once Komui had finished his story. My question earned me a weary glance, as if he was reluctant to tell me.

"K-Kanda carried you," he stuttered as he saw my stare which seemed to have made him wonder if he was supposed to be more afraid of Kanda… or me.

I nodded once more, not very surprised, which seemed to confuse everyone in the room, including myself.

"Is that all?" I inquired and Komui slowly shook his head.

"You aren't going on any missions for the next few weeks, at least until the bandages aren't needed anymore."

"Alright," was all I said as I turned around and carefully made my way out of the office, trying my best not to force my body too much. Komui and Lenalee glanced at each other behind my back, wondering if anything had happened.

Outside of the room, Reever, Johnny and the others from the Science Department were standing, acting far too innocent to actually _be_ innocent. In other words, it wasn't hard to figure out that they had been eavesdropping on my conversation with Komui.

"It's good to see you again," Reever greeted me with a big smile that made it obvious he was glad to see me up and 'running' again.

"You can't believe how true those words are!" Johnny wailed and it seemed as if there were more reasons than just my absence lying behind his words.

"Could you have guessed how depressing it is to see Reever in… _that_ state?!" Tapp added, handily answering my unspoken questions.

The others of the Science Department started to glare at me, annoyed with the problems that my being unconscious had caused. Normally I would have acted as if I was hurt, because they would never actually want to harm me… They were my family after all. But this time I couldn't think of anything I wanted to say.

"I'm sorry if I inadvertently caused any trouble for you," I answered their feelings with politely chosen words, not sure what else I should do in this situation. Something was wrong and I was going to need time to figure it out.

The group only stared at me and I realized that my plan to keep my 'problems' hidden had already failed, so without waiting much longer I bid them goodbye and hastily made my way towards the center of the building once more to figure out what I was going to do.

Halfway there my stomach decided to rumble loudly and I changed my path towards the cafeteria…

Once there, the whole room fell silent as I took just one step inside. Almost everyone looked at me, the uneasiness closing my throat so that I was unable to speak. I took a look around and saw that Lavi was sitting at our usual table, waving excitedly at me. I saw how he was covered in many bandages as well and my stomach twisted itself as I relived my memories from the fight.

Before I ended up throwing up, I spun around and hid behind the corner, pressing my hands against my stomach in an attempt to soothe it. I could hear how the chatter from inside the cafeteria reappeared, as if my appearance had done nothing to them.

To make everything much better, Kanda decided to stroll past to get his beloved soba. As if not believing what he had seen, he stopped in his tracks and turned to look at me. I looked right back at him, wondering what he was going to do as he saw my pained face, but he only nodded in acknowledgement before resuming his path to his soba.

Somehow, the fact that Kanda did what Kanda always did calmed me down and I sunk to the ground, my back screaming angrily at me as it slid down the wall. There, I sat for a few minutes, semi-meditating, until hurried footsteps came from around the corner.

I opened my eyes to see Lavi and Allen standing in front of me, worried looks on their faces. I weakly waved at them but they didn't say anything in return and just reached down to get me back on my feet.

"How are you feeling?" Allen asked in his kind voice as he slowly tugged me towards the noisy room that smelled of so many different foods that it was almost sickening… Yet at the same time, it felt good, as if it were welcoming me back, even though I wasn't myself right now.

"I'll manage," I told him, ruffling Lavi's hair to make sure he didn't feel left out. The Bookman Junior examined me intently, immediately noticing something was wrong but he didn't think now was the right time to question me.

All the way back to our table I could feel people staring at me and I tried my best to ignore it. With Allen in front of me and Lavi behind me, I felt protected. When we reached the table, I glanced at Kanda and realized he must have told the others to go fetch me. Or maybe not. Probably not.

Miranda politely shook my hand, tears in her eyes as she welcomed me back. I tried to smile at her, but found that it felt fake. Aleister nodded happily at me, glad that the group was complete once more.

Allen pushed me down in my usual seat between Lavi and Kanda. The whole group started chattering like they normally did, but I felt empty.

"Look at what I got you," Lenalee chimed from behind me before dropping a tray on the table in front of me. It was an extra large dish of my very favourite food: knödel and schnitzel. No wonder everybody claimed I was German. Jerry had even drawn a smiley and a heart with the mushroom sauce that was covering the plate.

I tried to smile, I really did, but I could only manage to lifelessly lift the corners of my lips. The rest of the table went silent at the gesture, staring at me once more.

"Are you… not feeling well?" Miranda asked in concern, the others still speechless, but all I could do was shake my head in embarrassment.

"Sorry, thank you," I mumbled as I quickly picked up the tray and made my way out of the cafeteria.

Once I finally found a quiet, abandoned spot, I sat down and began to eat what Jerry had made for me. Tears filled my eyes as I ate it, mad at myself that I could be so ungrateful to everyone after all they had done for me.

I couldn't tell anyone about what had happened. Not knowing how they would react, I was afraid they would be disappointed in me. But maybe they would understand, but I just couldn't take that risk, so I decided to hold back no matter the cost.

After finishing the delicious food, I felt much better and decided to go to the training room because I had promised myself that I would try my best to get stronger so that I could finally be of some use if something like this ever happened again. So that I could save people instead of watch them die.

I thanked the Gods that there was no one in the room to question me about my behaviour before grabbing two wooden swords that were hanging on the wall for training to warm myself up. I rarely started my training with my Innocence activated because it drained a lot of strength.

Staring at the two wooden swords, I realized that maybe I _should_ start with my Innocence to improve my physical fitness. I put them back on the wall before taking off my two rings. I held my hands out, palms turned up, with the rings in the centre. With a silent command, the rings glowed and grew until they took the forms of swords, my fingers gently wrapping around their hilts.

That alone made me pant lightly and I felt embarrassed.

I quickly activated my Innocence and embraced the feeling of exhaustion that washed over me, but I wasn't going to stop now.

Without letting myself regain my breath, I started to swing my swords around.

Left, right, up, down, both at the same time.

Slam the end of the hilts into the air.

Dash, jump, summersault in the air, land.

Dodge, drop, roll, jump up.

I tried anything that I could think of until I was just repeating things. That's all I did that day, until I had managed to open up some of my wounds and still I continued, ignoring the blood that was dripping down my arms and onto the ground.

The adrenaline that came back up as I remembered fighting the Akuma kept me going until I couldn't even think straight and still I continued.

The image of the wife and husband burned in my mind and kept me going when the adrenaline was long gone.

It was only when I heard the door open that I stopped my frenzy and let the exhaustion that had been knocking at my door in, resulting in my falling to my knees as the pain of my body suddenly became too much to bear.

But I couldn't care less, because it felt good to finally get all the aggression and fear out.

I slowly looked up and found Kanda leaning against the wall, watching me with cool eyes. I managed to smile apologetically at him, not sure whether I did so because I must have been horrible to look at or because I was keeping him from his own training.

He walked towards the middle of the room as I quickly grabbed a towel that was actually meant to wipe sweat off oneself to clean the floor of my blood, muttering an apology as I did so.

Kanda seemed to ignore me as he took out his Mugen and started to swing the katana in a graceful manner. I crawled over to the side of the room to unwrap the bloodied bandages from my arms, watching him all the while.

About half an hour I sat there, rubbing myself clean while ignoring the stinging of my wounds as I stared at Kanda's back. I wondered why he was letting me stay here because normally he would have kicked me out.

Another few minutes later I decided that maybe I should go to my room to take care of my body, but I didn't want to disturb Kanda in his training so I tried to stand up as quietly as possible.

The 'quiet' part became impossible as I heard my sweaty bare feet slap against the floor. Kanda didn't stop his exercising but glanced at me without moving his head, his concentration disturbed.

"Sorry," I muttered and quickly slid out of the room, not wanting to get cut into pieces by the Japanese boy.

I didn't wait any longer and immediately made my way back towards the showers to freshen myself up.

A few weeks passed by in the same fashion and by now most of my wounds had almost disappeared completely. I trained all day until I couldn't move, but with every day it seemed as if the trauma was getting heavier. Everyone was asking me questions about what had happened and I tried to avoid them as best as possible. It was obvious they were starting to grow annoyed with my behaviour.

Surprisingly, the days that Kanda came to train after me were the only ones I felt moments of peace as I watched him train.

Today was an especially bad day. I felt sick, my head was throbbing and the thought of the nightmare I had last night wasn't helping at all. I sat in my room all day, not even being able to bring myself to exercise.

I stood up, suddenly feeling the urge to go to the training room, even without the intention of doing anything.

The way there was awfully quiet. It had seemed as if people had given up on me and were avoiding me.

Opening the door to the training room, I noticed Kanda wasn't doing his usual sword-exercises. He was sitting Indian style in the middle of the room, his hands resting on his knees with his eyes closed. For the first time in ages, I got to see him in this relaxed state and I couldn't help myself.

I quietly approached him and though he could hear me, he didn't move a muscle. I sat down next to him while trying my best not to disturb him. Maybe meditating would do me some good?

And that's how we sat there for I don't know how long, the silence for once peaceful. The sound of his deep breathing seemed to calm the storm inside of me that I had managed to withhold until now and the emptiness felt rather soothing.

What attracted me to Kanda these days was the fact that he wouldn't ask any questions. It might seem as if he didn't care, but I knew better. He was waiting until I began of my own accord.

And so I did. But not in the way I had wanted to do so.

A tear slid down my cheek, even though I hadn't felt all that sad at the moment. It shocked me and more tears followed the first until my storm returned with a vengeance.

Kanda opened one eye to look at me once he heard my soft sob and was surprised by the sight of my face, red and wet and just overall horrible. He lost his composure completely as I turned away from him to hide my face and all he could do was stare at me in confusion.

"I-I'm so so-sorry!" I hiccupped while trying my best to crawl away from him as everything from the mission came crashing back on top of me.

Kanda suddenly did something that didn't fit him at all which managed to silence me for a few moments. He grabbed my shirt before I could get out of reach and yanked me back towards him, causing me to practically land on his lap.

He himself didn't seem fazed by any of this as he just let me lay there. I, on the other hand, stiffened with my eyes wide in shock.

And all it took was his hand that he gently placed on my shoulder to make the dam break once more.

His trousers were drenched in a matter of seconds but I couldn't care less, and apparently neither could he.

"It was all my fault…" I sulked as I clenched my fists in anger at myself. Kanda didn't ask anything, but the question still seemed to hang in the air.

"There… there was this couple. They were… they were going to have a baby. But I couldn't… I couldn't save them. If only I had…" I drifted off, not wanting to think about the 'if only's.

"Idiot," was all that Kanda had to say after my confession. No matter how small it had been, it had been the first time since our return that I had managed to talk about it and somewhere deep inside where I couldn't notice it yet, I felt a bit better.

I sat back up and without thinking I wrapped my arms around Kanda's shoulders and hid my somewhat sticky face into the crook of his neck. I could feel his body tense at the contact, but I ignored it. After a few minutes, he relaxed slightly and wrapped his arms around me as well, astonishing me.

"What would Alma say if he saw us like this?" Kanda wondered out loud and I shot up, staring at him with a blush on my face.

So he had known…?!

"He… he would have been angry at us… because we were leaving him out," I sniffed a few times, my nose still runny from all the crying.

When Alma was still with us, I had a crush on him. It was one-sided, however: he had considered me nothing more than his sister. I had been devastated when I heard that he was gone, Kanda being the one to pull me through.

And he was going to do so a second time.

He smiled at me. It was a harsh, rusty smile that obviously wasn't being used a lot, but it was a smile that made butterflies flatter around inside of me and I realized that this was the first time I had felt anything other than remorse since coming home.

"Will you help me?" I asked him all of a sudden, which made him frown at me.

"Idiot," was his reply. The longer version was: 'Of course, idiot, you didn't even have to ask me something stupid like that'.

I managed to force a smile of my own onto my face before I chose to lean in and press my lips against his.

He froze instantly and placed his hands on my shoulders, ready to push me away but apparently he decided against it.

Then he relaxed and kissed me back.


End file.
